The Jealous Type

Don't trust your jealousy. It usually produces a distorted view of reality. Even the slightest feeling of jealousy should alert you to trouble in your relationship, although some people like to think it 's yet another manifestation of your great love.

Although popular song lyrics, novels and, movie scripts would have us believe the opposite, jealousy is not the direct result of love. The fact that you can become jealous does not mean that you love someone all the more. People prone to fits of jealousy are usually self-centered, and discarding that self-inflicted imprisonment is their only way out. Instead of being caused by love or fear of loneliness, jealousy is rooted in feelings of possessiveness, a need for control, insecurity, and envy of the greater emotional wealth of another.

The Cain complex
The Cain complex is a special kind of jealousy experienced by children when a new sibling is born into the family. The older child – who used to be at the center of family life – is now forced to accept a new member into the family. This new child receives all the love and care from his parents – above all, from the mother. The older child sees the newcomer as a usurper, and she or he can become aggressive or violent towards the new child. Psychologists believe that certain neurotic states experienced by adults are the result of infant jealousy experienced decades ago.

But jealousy is not exclusive to families. Jealousy also flourishes at work. People at work who are distrustful and over-competitive; people unable to work on a team and always focused on details; people who do not share information and control everything around them so that only their work is praised – these are the jealous guys. Their lives and personal values are centered on their professional status, and their self-esteem is very low (although they usually appear very self-contained). But, of course, you can see through their attitude and spot their insecurity and lack of emotional intelligence. They are unable to respond positively to external stimuli, including their mates.

There can also be jealousy among friends (he’s the best-looking, she’s the smartest, he’s the one who’s married to the rich girl), but it’s usually not that problematic. Never trust your jealousy
If you are jealous because of matters relating to your mate, popular advice suggests that you should not trust your jealousy. But don’t neglect its importance or let it pass as normal, or even exciting (“being jealous shows how much I love him/her”). What with its obsession for possession and stifling persecution, jealousy gets in the way of relationships. It undermines the joy and pleasure of the moments spent together. It disturbs the natural balance of the couple, which should be based on tenderness, understanding, tolerance, and respect. If you ever feel you’re falling victim to a jealousy fit, act decidedly:

• Acknowledge the fact that you are indeed having a fit.

• Communicate your feelings to your partner, and be specific about the behaviors that you think caused your jealousy. Talk to your partner as much as you need to, but try not to put too much pressure on them, and avoid threatening or aggressive behavior. Ask for help clearing your doubts. This is about knowing what is really happening and comparing it with your own perception of things – which might be blurred by jealousy.

• If you conclude that you’re being irrational, ground yourself and eradicate your crazy ideas. It will be easier if the person who caused your jealousy helps you – but remember you must also try to understand and help them, for they have been your victims.

Love also expires
Be on the lookout for your attitude towards your mate, and make sure there is no jealousy left. Reinforce your communication, your trust and your love; they are the only tools to overcome jealousy. Accept yourself more, trust yourself more, work on your self-confidence and self-esteem. If you can’t control your jealousy, don’t hesitate to consult a therapist.

And lastly, if you discover that your jealousy is justified, summon the courage, patience, and understanding to overcome the situation. Everything has an ending, even love.

Visit the author's website