For years, I've had the same conversation with single clients and friends searching for love. They'd tell me about people who were interested in them, dates that went nowhere, and a general sense of frustration. When I'd ask what they were looking for in a partner, I'd get vague answers: "Someone nice," "A good person"… or silence.

The problem wasn't that they were too picky or not trying hard enough. The story was written right there in their birth charts.

Your birth chart holds much more than just your Sun sign personality or your Venus sign love language. It contains a complete map of your relationship story, including the patterns that keep you stuck and the keys to breaking free. Here are five of the most common relationship patterns I see, and how understanding your chart can help you move past them.

Pattern 1: Not Knowing What You Want (The Venus Problem)
This is the pattern that inspired me to write Charting Love with Astrology in the first place. Someone would sit across from me, frustrated that their dating life wasn't working, and when I'd ask what they actually wanted in a relationship, they'd draw a blank. Often, people were much more concerned with being liked and accepted, and hadn’t taken the time to figure out what their heart longed for.

Venus in your chart represents your values, what brings you pleasure, what you desire in love, and the most important: what you want to attract into all areas of your life.

But if you've never looked at your Venus this way, or explored Venus's sign and house placement, you might not consciously know what you're seeking. You might be dating people who check society's (or your mom's) boxes—good job, nice family, attractive—while ignoring what your Venus actually needs to feel satisfied.

How to Change This Pattern: Start by identifying your Venus sign and the house it occupies in your birth chart. Venus in Gemini needs intellectual stimulation and friendship; Venus in Taurus craves stability and sensual pleasure. Venus in your 11th house might find comfort through friendship first, while Venus in your 6th house could need daily routines or a pet to find comfort. When you understand what your Venus actually wants, you can stop attracting unsatisfying stuff into your life.

Pattern 2: Not Understanding What Turns You On and Gets You Moving (The Mars Problem)
Even when people know what they want, they often don't understand how they naturally go after it. I added Mars to Charting Love with Astrology for balance—because knowing what you want (Venus) is only half the equation. You also need to understand how you go after it (Mars).

Mars represents your drive, your energy, and how you take action in the world, including in pursuit of romantic connection. Some people have a Mars that moves slowly and strategically; others have a Mars that acts on impulse. Neither is wrong, but not knowing your Mars energy means you might be forcing yourself to pursue love in ways that feel completely unnatural.

How to Change This Pattern: Look at your Mars sign and house placement. Mars in Aries might thrive on direct, bold approaches, while Mars in Pisces operates more subtly and intuitively. Mars in your 3rd house might mean you're most confident pursuing love through conversation and local connections, while Mars in your 9th house might find that passion ignites when you're traveling or exploring new philosophies. Understanding your Mars helps you stop fighting against your own nature and start using your natural energy effectively.

Pattern 3: Chasing Relationships You Think You Should Chase
How many times have you tried speed dating because your friends were doing it? Downloaded the latest dating app because everyone said that's where you "have to be?" Agreed to blind dates or singles events that made your skin crawl? Or…did nothing because you didn't know where to even start?

Here's the truth: just because something works for your best friend doesn't mean it's right for you. Your chart shows specific environments, activities, and approaches where you are most likely to connect with potential partners, yet so many people exhaust themselves following generic advice that has nothing to do with their unique astrological blueprint.

How to Change This Pattern: This is where the relationship houses in your chart become invaluable. The 5th house (romance and dating), 7th house (partnership), and 8th house (intimacy) aren't just abstract concepts; they have signs on their cusps and ruling planets of those signs that point to actual places and activities. If your 5th house ruler is in your 9th house, you might meet romantic interests while traveling, taking classes, or in a church—not at the bar your friends dragged you to. If your 7th house ruler connects to your 10th house, professional settings or industry events might be your sweet spot. Your chart is giving you a personalized treasure map. Stop following someone else's directions.

Pattern 4: Believing Love Has to Follow "The Script"
We've all absorbed the "Rom Com" love story: you meet someone (5th house romance), fall in love, commit to a partnership (7th house), and then deepen into intimacy and merger (8th house). Romance leads to commitment leads to deep bonding. It's the script we see in movies, read in books, and hear about from our parents.

But here's what shocked me when I started analyzing hundreds of charts: most people don't have this neat, linear story written in their astrology. In fact, it's fairly rare. Some people have their 8th house emphasized before their 7th, meaning deep intimacy and intensity might come before traditional partnership. Others have strong 5th house energy but minimal 7th house connections, suggesting romance and pleasure are central, but traditional marriage might not be their path.

How to Change This Pattern: Look at the signs on your relationship house cusps and where their ruling planets fall in your chart. These placements tell your love story, not society's. If you keep trying to force relationships through the "proper" stages and it never works, maybe it's time to honor what your chart is actually saying. When you stop judging your story against the cultural script and start following your astrological blueprint, everything gets easier.

Pattern 5: Forcing a Relationship Structure that Doesn't Fit
This is perhaps the most difficult pattern to acknowledge: sometimes the relationship structure you think you want isn't the one your chart supports. Not everyone is wired for monogamy. Not everyone will have a one-and-only soulmate. Some people are built for unconventional relationship styles, open partnerships, or connections that transform dramatically over time.

I've seen charts where someone's 7th house ruler is in their 11th house, suggesting partnership through friendship is well-supported. I've seen many charts where the 5th house (romance and fun) ruler and the 7th house (formal partnership) ruler don’t connect, and this can mean that the fun, romantic dating you are doing likely won't lead to a marriage.

How to Change This Pattern: This requires radical honesty. Look at your entire relationship sector—not just Venus, but Mars; the 5th, 7th, and 8th houses; and any planets residing there or ruling those houses. What story do they actually tell? If you've been trying to fit yourself into a conventional relationship mold and you're repeatedly disappointed, look at your chart… it's trying to tell you something.

Maybe your perfect love story includes a one night of sexy fun that becomes a life partnership.

Maybe you should let your mom set you up. Maybe your perfect love story includes periods of cherished solitude between intense connections.

There's no wrong answer...only your answer.

Reading Your Personal Love Map
These five patterns are just the beginning of what your birth chart can reveal about your romantic life. The key is learning to read your chart as a complete story, not isolated pieces. Venus tells you what you want. Mars tells you how you go get it. The relationship houses show where and how your story unfolds. The aspects between these points reveal the potential plot twists, turning points and help you may have along the way.

When you understand these layers, you stop repeating patterns that never worked in the first place. You stop following advice meant for someone else's life. You start honoring your unique path, even when it looks nothing like what you think it's supposed to.

Ready to discover your unique love story? Grab your copy of Charting Love with Astrology today, and get bonus astrology content by signing up for my newsletter.