From The Ex-Boyfriend Book, by Rowan Davis
Dates: October 24–November 22
Element: Fixed water
When you and Mr. Scorpion were still deeply in love and there was no real reason to feel uncertain about your relationship, you nonetheless had an inkling that something wasn’t quite right. His laughter never reached his troubled eyes, his voice held an urgency you couldn’t define, and when your love turned physical, there was a desperate quality to it, as though he was afraid he’d never touch you again. Sometimes he clung to you, and sometimes he would toss you aside without a second glance. Sometimes he accused you of betraying him, calling you names and spreading rumors, and sometimes he begged you to forgive him. He’d ignore you, and the next moment he would act as if he was your long-lost Siamese twin. There wasn’t a method to his madness; the Scorpion was just practicing survival maneuvers in an attempt at self-preservation. Few people are aware of just how deeply Scorpios feel: their sensitivity is the secret trigger to their poisonous vengefulness. When you love so hard, any pain you experience feels eternal and all-encompassing. Most people are quick to learn how to defend against experiencing that kind of intense pain again. The Scorpion can’t entirely shut himself off from love, but he puts up a lot of walls in an attempt to block out the pain.
From the moment you met him, there was a seductive feeling of danger that positively oozed from both ends of this watery Scorpion, although a harsh tongue and heavy boots usually take the place of pincers and stingers in the human version of this sign. When you still were trying to extract every bit of information you could get from your friends about this mysterious man, you found out that he didn’t have a reputation for being the nicest guy you’d ever want to meet (a rumor confirmed while you were dating), so don’t be surprised when he doesn’t turn out to be the sweetest—or sanest—ex in the world either.
When Scorpios make the transition from treasured lover to annoying ex, they tend to get lost somewhere in the hubbub. By “get lost,” I don’t mean they’ll accept the situation and give you a farewell kiss on the cheek and a letter of recommendation for your new love interest right before turning around and never seeing you again (although that’s exactly what the Scorpio hopes he’ll be able to do). What I mean is that he doesn’t know how to give his heart to someone and then complacently fit it back into his chest when it’s thrown back at him with “return to sender” written all over it. He’ll struggle between approaching the situation with a reserved and reasonable air, and driving by your house in the middle of the night to make sure you’re alone (with a basketful of rotten eggs and a bouquet of roses in the passenger seat just in case he either feels the urge for vengeance or sees a chance to beg you to come back).
You see, when a Scorpion falls in love, his ruling planet (Pluto) takes over and everything becomes a life-or-death struggle—incredibly dark, romantic, and tragic. The breakup is just another part of that struggle; it’s the closing act. He truly feels, at the close, that you are the only one who has ever mattered—or ever will matter—to him. How is he ever to come to grips with that loss? His two choices are: win you back, or teach you a lesson. It all depends on the Scorpio and how secure he is. When you were with him, you were forced to deal with these contradictions, and you never knew exactly which one you’d have to face on any given day. The breakup isn’t any different. Eventually he will wear himself out, or else be persuaded by the local law enforcement to cease his harassment.
What You’ll Miss
The ambition that drives him to be the best in all he does gave you pride in your man and ensured both his and your financial security. With his intensity and loyalty, he could make you feel desired and cherished. He took care of you with the dedication of a soul mate and beat himself up if he ever let you down. He also was very intelligent, and the two of you had some pretty amazing conversations.
What You Won’t Miss
Let’s just say that the stalking didn’t exactly begin after you broke up. In truth, it had been going on for a while. Many women in today’s liberated society have this curious desire without which they can’t seem to be happy in a relationship: the desire to feel like they have a free choice in the matter of whether or not they will stay in a relationship. The Scorpio secretly understood that you had a choice—that’s what scared him the most.
How to Get Him Back
(If, for Some Reason, You Want to Know)
This is hard. It really depends on how the two of you ended things. If you cheated—and it doesn’t really matter how badly he thinks he wants you back—the trust has been destroyed and he’ll never be able to relax in a relationship with you. If the two of you parted company maturely, without any blame on either side, then there’s a good chance that somewhere down the road, if you’re still a respectable person, he’ll be interested in trying again. It all depends on whether he can still trust you. If he can, you have a better chance of getting him to come back. If he can’t, then things won’t last long even if he does return.
How to Make Sure He Stays Gone
Break his trust. Start seeing someone new, preferably someone he was always afraid you were interested in anyway. If he starts stalking you, leave the blinds open and have wild sex with his best friend. Or, if you’re afraid of inciting his vengeance, make it perfectly clear to him that you respect him, like him, and think he’s great, but you don’t think anything romantic between you would work right now, and give him some concrete, no-fault reasons.